Really? Are you kidding me? They’re saying I lost the popular vote by nearly 3 million? Sorry, folks, sorry, not true. Not true. All those illegals voted…
4:01 a.m. tweet
Mexican thieves and rapist and murders who are sneaking across our border. Thieves, rapists, murderers, we gotta build that wall, America First!
4:03 a.m. tweet
Rigged, it was all rigged, had to be, sure. Got to 302 electoral no problem but not the popular? Rigged, I’m telling you, rigged. Seen the evidence.
4:04 a.m. tweet
Mexico’s paying for that wall, they sure are, they need to step up and pay their fair share just like NATO. Hello, Germany, you owe us.
Ivanka: Dad, tone it down. Americans know you can’t force the Mexican gov’t to pay for the stupid wall. They know they’re going to get taken and it’s already pissing them off. Talk about something else. And Germany doesn’t have anything to do with that wall. At least keep your tweets focused, on one issue, okay?
Trump: Why? Why should I do that? I’m numero uno in the world, I can say and do whatever the hell I want. I’m wonderful at distraction, did you know that, hon? Ha. Just ask your mom. She’ll tell you how Melania and I met and…
Ivanka: Please turn your phone off, Dad. You can’t keep attacking a new country every night and you definitely can’t attack mom. Grow up, please just grow up.
4:32 a.m. tweet
North Korea’s little shit of a dictator sadist, Syria’s little shit of a dictator… Let their people deal with these guys, not my problem, America first….
And China, are you kidding me? They dump their shit in our country and pay no tariffs. Forget it. America first. They’re going to be paying big tariffs. Huge.
It’s all fake news, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, PBS, CBC, ABC, FBI, CIA, NSA, fake, fake, fake.
Ivanka (storming into Mar de Lago office) C’mon, Dad. Stop, enough already! You can’t alienate the intelligence agencies, the press, and half a dozen foreign countries before breakfast. You just can’t. Go to sleep! Everything you’re tweeting hits me, okay? You know how many companies have discontinued carrying my stuff? So, please, c’mon, have a smoothie. Go to bed.
Trump: Stores stopped carrying your stuff? Which ones? Give me the names. I’ll blast the bastards, call them out, and my followers will boycott them. You know how many Twitter followers I have, hon? More than any other president in history. Seventeen zillion.
Ivanka: I’ll call the kitchen, order you a smoothie, a…
Trump: I want fried chicken.
Ivanka: Fine, I’ll ask for fried chicken.
Trump: And onions fried in that incredible batter that Jared created…
Ivanka: You eat too much fried food, Dad. It’s why you’re sixty pounds overweight.
Trump (shooting to his feet, tugging at his jacket, adjusting his tie) I’m fat? Is that what you’re saying, Ivanka? That I’m FAT?
Ivanka: I’m saying you’re overweight. Your smoothie is on the way, Dad. Good night. Good morning. Whatever.
(In the doorway, she turns, touches the edges of her blue silk robe. )
My newest addition. But Nordstrom and thirty-eight other stores discontinued it, Dad. Because they hate you. Nice, huh?
5:11 a.m. tweet
Black lists, they exist! Go to my website for a list of stores that have discontinued Ivanka’s products. Why? Why? Sales are booming, clothes flying off hangars. Boycott these suckers.
5:13 a.m. tweet
The tags in her products read made in china, but this is a lie, people, one more mainstream media lie. Everything Ivanka produces is made in make America great again.
6:00 a.m. tweet
Been thinking about chemical attack in Syria, children killed, all Obama’s fault. Assad, bad dude afraid of me. Afraid I’ll tell truth.
6:02 a.m. tweet
We’re going to bomb the mass murderer.Tomahawks. Uh-huh, 30 million worth of tomahawks at the airport where he launched his chemical attack. Uh-huh.
6:12 a.m. tweet
Russia does things right. No one fucks with Putin.
(Jared flies into the Trump office at Mar del Lago. Three piece suit, the boy is ready to rule the world)
Jared: Dude, if you keep defending Putin, we’re gonna end up in prison.
Trump: But Vladimir is my man.
Jared: Ivanka, tell the medic the Donald needs something that knocks him out. No more tweets, no more bullshit, take his phone. Silence, please. Christ, please.
Trump: Assad used sarin gas on children, little kids, I want him taken out, get those missiles ready… Tomahawks.
Ivanka: Dad, in 2013, you said Syria wasn’t our problem. You can’t make it our problem now.
Trump: Get Vladimir on the line…
Jared (whispering to Ivanka) You’d better let him know I’m running the show…
Scene 5, Reality Check:
And this is how it goes around and around in Trump world…
Vladimir, Ivanka and Jared think I’m clueless. Ha. Let’s make a deal…